Olivia.

It's 4:35 on a Tuesday afternoon. I am finally, in the car outside my house, ready to go to the boys and girls club for soccer practice. Shoot, but I forgot to fill the water bottles up. Time to turn the car back off so I can take my keys to open the front door and make it to the kitchen sink.

We are 4 weeks into the season, my volunteer coaches don't really need me at practice anymore, but I like to be present. This day felt different though. I wanted to serve, without stepping on my volunteers toes!

I'll admit to you, that I am usually so wrapped up in whatever strategy I have to grow and improve the soccer league that I have a hard time just taking a mental break to engage the kids we are serving for more than a few minutes.

However, I required myself to be different today by sitting to chat with a few of them. So I walked into the club and sat down at a table with 2 girls playing checkers. Deandre later challenged me to a game. He was actually pretty good, though I let him win. Hehe. As I am walking out, I decided to stop by the program director, Ms. Patrice's office to chat. She begins asking me about soccer and during that time a little sweet munchkin walks in with her head held low. I couldn't help but ask...

Me: What is your name?
O: Olivia.
Me: That's a pretty name. Did you know my mom almost named me Olivia? But my name is Adrienne, nice to meet you. How old are you?
O: 6... no, 7.
Patrice: She just turned 7 on Sunday.
Me: Well, Happy Birthday Olivia!

Silence... She actually looked 9 or 10 to me, but whatever.

Me: Do you play any sports?
Olivia shook her head no...
Me: Is it because you don't like them? Or you've never had the chance?
O: I never had a chance.
Me: Ms. Patrice, is there anything I can do to help with Olivia?
Patrice: I don't know. She was caught standing on the desk in the computer lab.

Is she serious? I got in trouble for that exact same thing, but I wasn't 7, I was in the 8th grade!

Patrice: Olivia, why did you stand on the computer desk?
Olivia shrugs her shoulders
Patrice: You should never do something without understanding why you are doing it. Did you know it was wrong?
O: yes
Patrice: Then why did you do it?
Olivia shrugs her shoulders again
Patrice: Why was it wrong?
O: ...because I could have gotten hurt.
Patrice: What else?
O: ...because I could have hurt other people.
Patrice: I was just sitting here talking to Ms. Adrienne about the soccer teams and do you know you have to be disciplined in order to try-out?

Ms. Patrice carried on with her mission to help Olivia fully understand the seriousness of her misconduct. In the meantime, I was having flashbacks of the exact conversation Ms. Woodruff had with me in 8th grade.

Patrice: Olivia, I want you to sit here until the end of this period, then I want you to apologize to Ms. Simpson and help her clean the table tops before you leave.
O: Yes, ma'am. as wipes the tears from her eyes.

I watched little Olivia and couldn't imagine her doing something out of rebellion. After all, she wasn't yet two days past seven years old and seemed to be so respectful to Ms. Patrice. I just wanted to wrap her up in my arms and tell her that God has a huge plan for her life.... but I didn't. Instead, I asked her for a hug on her way out and told her I would come check on her next Tuesday.

Ms. Patrice told me about her home life. She and her 8-year-old brother are cared for by two separate grandparents. She said Olivia has been acting up and is starting to get a bad reputation at school amongst her teachers. Her brother was left at the club one night and Ms. Patrice couldn't get a hold of his grandfather so she had to call the cops. Though she has been serving on staff at this club for nine years she said she still cried all the way home that night. Especially, thinking about how little the boy reacted to his grandfather abandoning him for the night. She said, "I'm a grown woman, i'll be okay but I just can't imagine what HE felt like."

Me: Ms. Patrice, would it be okay if I came in to chat with Olivia once a week? I would really like to mentor her if you think that will help.

I can't help but think about intersections. If I had not been led to sit down and engage with the kids today, I would have not had the opportunity to sit in a very important meeting Olivia had with Ms. Patrice. My life would not have intersected at such a raw and vulnerable place for Olivia. Besides, she made such an impact on me.

I saw a quote the other day from another urban ministry in Atlanta stating, "We believe in building boys and girls, rather than repairing men and women." The next generation needs us. I am convinced that 10 minutes with a 7-year-old would not amount to hours, days, and years spent trying to re-direct an adult. We all deserve to feel valued, important, and loved.


Today, was a reminder of how I want to spend the rest of my life intersecting with people, young and old, in vulnerable places to infuse hope through Jesus Christ.

4 Questions

Do you ever feel like you are alone in your relationship with God? It's like you have to conjure up his presence in your own mind? Well, the first 4 years of my Christian walk I felt this way more often than not. I remember journaling prayers and striking up revelations that made me feel more spiritual. I began to ask myself questions, have I ever felt the presence of God? Would I recognize him if he walked into a room? I know that it isn't religion, but a relationship. I knew that, but I was missing something. 

Here are 4 questions helped me better understand what I was missing:

1. Have I met God?
Draw near to him. James 4:8

I meet people all the time. Most of the time, I hear about them from someone else before meeting them. They tell me how they know this person, what their relationship is like with them, where that person spends their time, etc. It wasn't until I reached my (figurative) hand out to meet them that I can say I even made my acquaintance with them. So many times we mistake meeting God with hearing about him from others that know him. Have you ever reached your hand out and made your acquaintance with God? 

Hard: I got to a point in my life that I was rejecting every attempt God made to reach me that I had no discernment of his voice. One evening when I was 14, as an un-follower of Jesus I was wrestling with the Lord and I was convinced that the next song on the radio would apply to my walk with the Lord. Divinely, the song was, "If you don't know me by now, you will never ever know me." by Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes. If you are in a spiritual saturated environment like I was growing up, maybe you are not recognizing the Lord's attempts to your heart and you need to ask him to soften your heart and give you ears to hear his voice. This was definitely the case for me.
Soft: If this isn't you, then remember the words in Revelation 3:20 that says, "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock, if anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me."

2. Do I really know God?
In all ways know him. Proverbs 3:6

Lean not on your own understanding but in all ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight. Acknowledging him does not mean you just throw his name on your situation. It means you KNOW his heart for you! You know what his plans are for his children. In order to take captive all your thoughts and make it obedient to Christ, we must KNOW him. If you read in his word you'll see that he freely offers us love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. His perfect love is unconditional and freely given. In order to identify experiencing the Lord in our lives, we must know him and his character on a personal level.

3. Do I love God?
Love the Lord your God. Luke 10:27

"Jesus loves you" is one of the most used sayings, but what does it even mean? I was a surrendered follower of Jesus for almost 5 years before I felt comfortable saying that I love the Lord or Jesus. It never felt real because I saw how my affection was going to everything and everyone else other than Jesus. I am the kind of person that doesn't keep quiet about the latest fad. Whatever music I am listening to will be heard by nearly everyone that I come in contact with. We are all promoting something, I just never understood why it was so difficult for me to promote Jesus. Because I didn't know or love him. Through this conviction I asked the Lord to give me a heart to know his word. Within the next 6 months, I learned so much about him through scripture and I came to realize that the heart of the Father is to empower us to live a fuller life in him. Once I started to understand this, I began to entrust him with more of my heart, thoughts, and dreams. He then began to be the desire of my heart. Above everything else, I want him. This was when I knew that cupid's arrow had struck me and I was falling in love with my creator.

4. What sacrifices am I making for God? 
Cheerful giver. 2 Corinthians 9:7

Be careful with this one. Making sacrifices to/for someone in hopes that you will receive their love in return is not a genuine love offering. As long as we try to add to the finished work of Jesus' death, we will be toiling in vain! This is a good measure of where your heart is in your relationship with the Lord. Do not confuse it as a list of things to DO, see this as a measuring stick of where your heart is. If you do not feel like these things are being offered to the Lord go back to the first few series of questions and ask the Lord to reveal himself to you. If you have truly experienced the love of God, you will never be the same again. And though there will definitely be times where you discipline yourself to do these things, if you know the love of Christ ultimately it will feel like an honor to be able to sacrifice ourselves for his sake.

Measuring stick of the heart's desire:

• Treasures- Where do I put my finances? Am I giving him my first fruits?
• Time- How much time to I spend Up (with him), In (with other believers), Out (serving non-believers)
• Talents- Whose kingdom am I seeking to build with these God-given abilities?

Egypt :: Wilderness :: Promised Land

I don't want to leave here
I don't want to stay
it feels like pinching to me either way
it's all about comfort when you move so much
the place I was wasn't perfect but I found a way to live
Egypt :: Wilderness :: Promised Land

Fall of 2012 has felt like a Wilderness to me. It all began in August with my grandfathers' passing away. As we returned from his funeral, my mother's close friend was entering hospice as her battle of cancer ended. Just weeks later, I was robbed at gunpoint. A traumatic assault that left me feeling hopeless, lonely, and out of peace. There was so much stress in my family at the time that they couldn't even field questions to me about the happenings until weeks later. He stole my most precious possession, my Bible, that I have had since I was 8 or 9, which made it that much harder to lean into the Lord. I began grad school and therefore cut out other Bible Studies I had been attending to be able to balance the school and work load. I was working like a maniac to manage these two FCA soccer teams while also preparing for the biggest year end campaign since I came on staff 3 years ago. I attended 3 weddings in September, which were in three different cities. I felt so empty and so dry spiritually that I resented the blessing to further my education through Seminary. There just wasn't enough time in the day to get it all done and I really experienced Jesus' words, "apart from me you can do nothing."

The hardest thing to do in the Wilderness is to hold fast to the Lord. To believe in His promises, even when we do not FEEL his presence. I started dating a guy that did not lead me spiritually, and though it didn't last long, I was faced with the reality of my heart that I found a future with him more appealing than what I thought Jesus had for me. I truly entertained the idea of taking my future into my own hands and making this relationship into something that I thought I would be happy with. Then I remembered how Adam and Eve took matters into their own hands, they thought they knew better than what the Lord expected of them. They wanted to be the one to control their future and what fruit they were able to eat. This thought that we know better than our creator is nothing new to the human mind. I had a choice to make. I could follow my will, or I could follow His plan for me.

Though, there was nothing in me that wanted to do things God's way, the Lord put people in my path to remind me of his character. I was open and honest with my inner circle about this tension to build my own kingdom instead of the Father's and they quickly brought me back to truth. One of the dominant things I lacked was peace. I had my pride to hold onto, but I had no peace to speak of. As I was driving off one day I noticed a note card on the floor in my van. It read, "If only you had paid attention to my commands, your peace would have been like a river." Isaiah 48:1. PEACE is a non-negotiable for me.

Then the Lord began to speak my identity over me. I asked him to give me a new name and he continuously brought up, Joy. I asked him to give me my destiny. He told me my destiny was to love him with all my heart, soul, strength, and mind. 

I have a big heart! and many times I think it can overwhelm others! But the Lord asks me to love him with ALL of it. I don't have to hold anything back. He will always want more of me.

Soul. This caucasian sister has some soul :) When I think of the soul I see the true personal DNA and make up of a person. This means that everything that comes out of this soul place of my being is 100% me. If we could put my soul in a juicer, where all the pulp and everything else on it is separated to leave us with everything that makes up my soul, what would that look like? I have some ideas, but I will always keep learning it. This is the part of me that I get to discover and offer to the Lord daily for his Kingdom.

In high school, I maxed out with 120 lbs on the bench press. Strength. You can laugh. But dude, I get to leverage whatever physical, emotional, mental, strength I have to the Lord's work. I get to throw my body on this cornerstone of Jesus Christ, to be broken daily. Broken to be made new again in the Lord, NOT CRUSHED. Broken, because everyday he has new mercies for me. And I have a choice to turn this body into a home for the Holy Spirit, or a vacuum to gain the whole world.

Mind(less). Have you ever felt mindless? Or better yet, have you ever WANTED to feel mindless? I don't know about you but I have never met anyone who wishes they could get their brain to process more information, feelings, and thoughts. It just doesn't happen! We are constantly at work in our minds and we can never get away from them! But we do have some say in where we focus our minds. And the cool thing is this, the Lord wants us to share our every thought with him. Though he already knows them, he wants us to be able to take a single thought and place it on the alter of grace. He wants us to set this single thought next to to the finished work and resurrected body of Jesus Christ. If we did that with every thought, I think we would be so consumed with the fact that IT IS FINISHED, and that we are in a battle that has already been won, that those temptations and struggles don't seem nearly as detrimental as they did before! We would be able to look around and say, yeah - I know who won this game of life. So it's my job now, to serve. To will my mind to dwell on the victory that I have in Christ. 

It does not matter where I go or what job I fill. If I am a wife, a mother, a friend, a lawyer, a tenant, a landlord, a dishwasher, a whatever you want to say. I know my destiny. And this destiny will shine through any earthly role that the Lord calls me to.

Now, I feel like the Lord has taken my hand is leading me up to Mt. Nebo. He is dusting off the things that I picked up from the wilderness and saying, "aren't you glad you didn't go your own way just before we reached this place?" Truth is, I almost turned around and went back to Egypt. Remember?? Remember how my roommate had to block those paths from me? Mentally, I was already back in Egypt. I had given up hope of the promised land while I was in the wilderness and now that the fog is starting to rise, I cannot believe I would ever consider that place again (Egypt): Slavery. Nearly, every series of Egypt, Wilderness, and Promised Land that cycles in my life, this is what happens to me. It's a comfort and control thing. A pastor at my church said, if you only go to the places you have been, you will never see anything new! 

This promised land holds everything my (and your) heart desires. In forms that I could not even imagine or hope for. But he couldn't lead me to these blessings without me letting go of everything I was clinging to in the Wilderness. Thank you Jesus for convicting me of trying to do things on my own without you. Now, I have peace like a river.

I've been painting pictures of Egypt
and leaving out what it lacked
the future seems so far and I want to go back
but the places that used to fit me
cannot hold the things i've learned
those roads are closed off to me
while my back was turned
     -Sara Groves

Plans for a Future and a Hope

Since the season is over through the winter months, I have been investing in our players one on two by taking them to our new offices and studying Jeremiah 29:11. I ask them to turn to the passage and read it aloud. Then I ask them what it means. "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, to give you a future and a hope."

Lorenzo

Me: Lorenzo, have you ever felt hopeless before?

L: Yes.

Me: Can you tell me when?

L: When soccer was over. I was thinking, well what am I gonna do now?

Me: Really? Well, the Bible says that God has a plan to bring us hope. What does that mean to you?

L: That maybe he would let us have another soccer game.

Haha, how precious. Lorenzo is not a guy that says things to butter me up (unlike some of my others kids). He was very serious in his responses and it was amazing to hear how much hope he finds in playing soccer with us. What an amazing testimony to creating teams where these kids feel like they have a positive place to belong. 

That's why people join gangs, because we all have a basic need to belong. It always reminds me of the Lecrae lyric,"They say i'm good at bad things, at least they proud of me." We provide these kids with a role model in their coaches. Now that we have something they are interested in (soccer), we have the key to their hearts. And we pray they will receive Christ through holistic coaching.

After I have the kids write the verse out on a piece a paper to help them remember it I ask them, "In 10 years, where do you picture yourself?" Then we write down where they are now and some things to focus on to help them reach their goals for the future. Then we write down things that God needs to do to help us. Which is really EVERYTHING! But together we thought of a few things out of his control that could help Lorenzo achieve his goals. :) 

Check it out:

"But how can they call on him to save them unless they believe in him? And how can they believe in him if they have never heard of him? And how they hear about him unless someone tells them?"       Romans 10:14

Out of the Shadows

As much as I would like to sit here and type about how victorious I was in Christ after I was robbed a couple months ago that would be a lie - I saw some hard days. For nearly a month, I was squandering in my own thoughts and fears of what coulda been and what could be. Somedays, I couldn't sleep in my own bed, be at home alone, I wouldn't run outside or drive in the city at night. I was constantly looking over my shoulder or reading into small noises from the next room. The normal things in life became a challenge for me to do. And yet no one seemed to understand.

It ended up being a God-glorifying situation with the media picking up the story and giving me a platform to share what I do and who I follow. But what is supposed to happen after the media was gone? Who would walk me to my car? Or peel me out of my room to go about the day? God, those things were all great but have you thought about ME in this situation? My state of mind? It was an hourly battle. Literally, I would be fine and then I wouldn't be. I felt crazy...

I have class with a pastor that works in the neighborhood I was robbed in and he was righteously angry about what happened to me. It was so therapeutic to see a black man show that kind of emotion about what happened. He asked me how I was recovering and I told him it was an hourly battle. He said a few words, but the ones that stood out, "...if God chooses to redeem this..." I interrupted him. What do you mean if God chooses to redeem this? He already is redeeming it! "Well listen, you have a choice. Because when something like this happened to my buddy he moved his family out to the 'burbs." That's when it really hit me. Coming from a true soldier - who answered the pointed finger that says I WANT YOU... (to live in the city and be an agent of change). I said so what do we do? Do we move? He passionately replied, "Hell No! I'm not! We just be aware and keep making a change."

Cruising off in my mini-van from that convo I coulda cried from the emotion that was before me. At this point, it isn't my housing at stake, it is my living and core purpose. IF ... he said IF. Wow, I never even thought I had a choice in this. The thought alone scares me. I felt empowered, afraid, and encouraged.

Couple weeks later of not having a solid quiet time and feeling so distant from the Lord I woke and went straight to my knees. There was nothing to say, nothing to pray. I just wept. I wept because I couldn't stop feeling sorry for myself. I couldn't snap out of it and I couldn't reach the Lord in my own strength. Congratulations, you have now been named my newest 'hard day'.

Days later, I felt so convicted from my aimless wandering that I felt the Lord rebuke me. I knew the anti-fear verses by heart!! But I was different... Now, I was an exception. See Lord, you gave me reason to fear by allowing this to happen to me! Adrienne, who do you think you are?? Do you deserve a refuge from evil? Is this something that you earned? No, Father it isn't. Then why are you acting like you are entitled to this safety I offer to your soul?

Broken.

I was broken. Since when did I lose sight of the grace you have shown me? Living in the shadows for the last month allowed me to appreciate the light in ways I had lost sight of.

Repent = To turn from. Why would I want to stay there?? I don't need that in my life, there is no room for it. I will gladly repent for these dark thoughts. Thanks for even wanting to take them from me! I have spent enough time entertaining these guests and they have definitely overstayed their welcome. So I packed self-pity's bag and put it on the street. Along with pride's, anger's, and self-reliances'. Security!! (ohh yes, I did) :) Somehow they ended up on the porch, knocking on my door, but I know the effects of their indwelling and they're not couch surfing 'round here anymore.

Thank you, (not you).

"Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High, will rest in the shadow of the Almighty". Ps. 91:1

The Shadows

I was robbed at gunpoint in August. I wrote this post about a week after the incident to the GUY but never posted it. However, I think I am ready to open up about this journey for anyone who cares to know. maybe there are some parallels with where you are / you've been.

Dude, how much did you pay for that stuff? I think it cost me some patience + hard work. Or some people call it 2,000 dollars. And you? Maybe some courage. Some steel. And a sharp eye. But I think it cost you more than that. Maybe, more than you realize.

See I never agreed to letting you steal my joy. I gave you my things, but I never agreed to anything more. I haven’t seen you for nearly a week, but it feels like you have been begging me daily to hand more things over to you. My freedom. My independence. My dreams. My peace of mind. I never said you could. And though you didn’t ask for them then, you have been asking me all week! I can’t take it anymore, which is why I am here to tell you loud and clear – you can’t have it.

What about you?

How much did it cost you? I can only guess, since we aren’t really tight like that. Have you lost your freedom? Your independence? Your confidence? Maybe not today, or even tomorrow. Maybe not this year, or the ones to follow. But if you really look in the mirror with honest eyes, I think you may see – what you gained is nothing compared to what you lost. 

Pardon me, I may have spoke too soon. Did you even have those things to give? Who stole those things from you? Because no one I know hands those things over without a fight. Is it your addiction? Was it your Family? Anger? Bitterness? What is it? You gotta figure it out so you can get it back! I don’t want you to live without it anymore. Oh, and here is a common misconception I’ll attempt to free you from: stealing other people’s freedom, confidence, and independence doesn’t replace yours. You have to go back to where you lost it and do whatever it takes to get it back.

As for me, I can’t wait for you. I can’t wait for you to come around and see the light. I have to keep moving. I have to keep doing what I am doing whether I ever hear from you or not. 

These last few days I started getting confused on what exactly I handed over to you Monday night. My freedom. My independence. My dreams. My peace of mind. – you can’t have it.

Above and Beyond

SoOOOooOO I have been getting ready for the fall season at Allen Hills and I am just really unsure of what the fall will look like. I guess you could say that I am back at the drawing board... It's our second season and really our first season that will be 9 weeks in a row instead of spread out through the whole semester.

1. Coaches Meeting went better than I could have ever expected. We spent 2+ hours catching up, talking about changes, devotions, behavior plans, etc. Moments during this meeting I found myself living a dream. God has provided 4 amazing men of God so engaged in the ministry they have as coaches.

2. Marketing- fliers to the leasing office, to every apartment in Allen Hills, elementary schools, at the city recreation center. Huge banner in the front of the community. And nice little blub on the news. Say What?? That's right! One of the parents of a new player of ours does a T.V. show at 4pm and without my knowing he advertised it! I had two parents call in regards to this blurb that were SO SO excited about the opportunity for their kids to play soccer.

3. Cost- now this is new. New to all. We have never charged anything for soccer before but I really feel the Lord was challenging me this season to have a buy-in for the parents. And so far there has been an amazing response from Allen Hills and others outside of the community as well!

4. Competitive Games- This season we will be competing against other teams 7 of the 9 game days.

5. AHSA Uniforms- We have custom game uniforms for our athletes. We also have practice t-shirt and shorts so we will be set-apart.

6. Power Bible- Each of our players will receive their own FCA Bible, which we will hold onto until we give it to them at the end of the season. The coaches will lead devotions at practice from an FCA Bible and each of the players will receive their own to follow along with! At the end of season these Bible's with each players name written on the pages will go home with them. :)

These are new distinctions of this fall season! I am so excited to see how the Lord changes these kids' hearts!

Jesus, have your way!