I don't want to leave here
I don't want to stay
it feels like pinching to me either way
it's all about comfort when you move so much
the place I was wasn't perfect but I found a way to live
Egypt :: Wilderness :: Promised Land
Fall of 2012 has felt like a Wilderness to me. It all began in August with my grandfathers' passing away. As we returned from his funeral, my mother's close friend was entering hospice as her battle of cancer ended. Just weeks later, I was robbed at gunpoint. A traumatic assault that left me feeling hopeless, lonely, and out of peace. There was so much stress in my family at the time that they couldn't even field questions to me about the happenings until weeks later. He stole my most precious possession, my Bible, that I have had since I was 8 or 9, which made it that much harder to lean into the Lord. I began grad school and therefore cut out other Bible Studies I had been attending to be able to balance the school and work load. I was working like a maniac to manage these two FCA soccer teams while also preparing for the biggest year end campaign since I came on staff 3 years ago. I attended 3 weddings in September, which were in three different cities. I felt so empty and so dry spiritually that I resented the blessing to further my education through Seminary. There just wasn't enough time in the day to get it all done and I really experienced Jesus' words, "apart from me you can do nothing."
The hardest thing to do in the Wilderness is to hold fast to the Lord. To believe in His promises, even when we do not FEEL his presence. I started dating a guy that did not lead me spiritually, and though it didn't last long, I was faced with the reality of my heart that I found a future with him more appealing than what I thought Jesus had for me. I truly entertained the idea of taking my future into my own hands and making this relationship into something that I thought I would be happy with. Then I remembered how Adam and Eve took matters into their own hands, they thought they knew better than what the Lord expected of them. They wanted to be the one to control their future and what fruit they were able to eat. This thought that we know better than our creator is nothing new to the human mind. I had a choice to make. I could follow my will, or I could follow His plan for me.
Though, there was nothing in me that wanted to do things God's way, the Lord put people in my path to remind me of his character. I was open and honest with my inner circle about this tension to build my own kingdom instead of the Father's and they quickly brought me back to truth. One of the dominant things I lacked was peace. I had my pride to hold onto, but I had no peace to speak of. As I was driving off one day I noticed a note card on the floor in my van. It read, "If only you had paid attention to my commands, your peace would have been like a river." Isaiah 48:1. PEACE is a non-negotiable for me.
Then the Lord began to speak my identity over me. I asked him to give me a new name and he continuously brought up, Joy. I asked him to give me my destiny. He told me my destiny was to love him with all my heart, soul, strength, and mind.
I have a big heart! and many times I think it can overwhelm others! But the Lord asks me to love him with ALL of it. I don't have to hold anything back. He will always want more of me.
Soul. This caucasian sister has some soul :) When I think of the soul I see the true personal DNA and make up of a person. This means that everything that comes out of this soul place of my being is 100% me. If we could put my soul in a juicer, where all the pulp and everything else on it is separated to leave us with everything that makes up my soul, what would that look like? I have some ideas, but I will always keep learning it. This is the part of me that I get to discover and offer to the Lord daily for his Kingdom.
In high school, I maxed out with 120 lbs on the bench press. Strength. You can laugh. But dude, I get to leverage whatever physical, emotional, mental, strength I have to the Lord's work. I get to throw my body on this cornerstone of Jesus Christ, to be broken daily. Broken to be made new again in the Lord, NOT CRUSHED. Broken, because everyday he has new mercies for me. And I have a choice to turn this body into a home for the Holy Spirit, or a vacuum to gain the whole world.
Mind(less). Have you ever felt mindless? Or better yet, have you ever WANTED to feel mindless? I don't know about you but I have never met anyone who wishes they could get their brain to process more information, feelings, and thoughts. It just doesn't happen! We are constantly at work in our minds and we can never get away from them! But we do have some say in where we focus our minds. And the cool thing is this, the Lord wants us to share our every thought with him. Though he already knows them, he wants us to be able to take a single thought and place it on the alter of grace. He wants us to set this single thought next to to the finished work and resurrected body of Jesus Christ. If we did that with every thought, I think we would be so consumed with the fact that IT IS FINISHED, and that we are in a battle that has already been won, that those temptations and struggles don't seem nearly as detrimental as they did before! We would be able to look around and say, yeah - I know who won this game of life. So it's my job now, to serve. To will my mind to dwell on the victory that I have in Christ.
It does not matter where I go or what job I fill. If I am a wife, a mother, a friend, a lawyer, a tenant, a landlord, a dishwasher, a whatever you want to say. I know my destiny. And this destiny will shine through any earthly role that the Lord calls me to.
Now, I feel like the Lord has taken my hand is leading me up to Mt. Nebo. He is dusting off the things that I picked up from the wilderness and saying, "aren't you glad you didn't go your own way just before we reached this place?" Truth is, I almost turned around and went back to Egypt. Remember?? Remember how my roommate had to block those paths from me? Mentally, I was already back in Egypt. I had given up hope of the promised land while I was in the wilderness and now that the fog is starting to rise, I cannot believe I would ever consider that place again (Egypt): Slavery. Nearly, every series of Egypt, Wilderness, and Promised Land that cycles in my life, this is what happens to me. It's a comfort and control thing. A pastor at my church said, if you only go to the places you have been, you will never see anything new!
This promised land holds everything my (and your) heart desires. In forms that I could not even imagine or hope for. But he couldn't lead me to these blessings without me letting go of everything I was clinging to in the Wilderness. Thank you Jesus for convicting me of trying to do things on my own without you. Now, I have peace like a river.
I've been painting pictures of Egypt
and leaving out what it lacked
the future seems so far and I want to go back
but the places that used to fit me
cannot hold the things i've learned
those roads are closed off to me
while my back was turned
-Sara Groves
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