As much as I would like to sit here and type about how victorious I was in Christ after I was robbed a couple months ago that would be a lie - I saw some hard days. For nearly a month, I was squandering in my own thoughts and fears of what coulda been and what could be. Somedays, I couldn't sleep in my own bed, be at home alone, I wouldn't run outside or drive in the city at night. I was constantly looking over my shoulder or reading into small noises from the next room. The normal things in life became a challenge for me to do. And yet no one seemed to understand.
It ended up being a God-glorifying situation with the media picking up the story and giving me a platform to share what I do and who I follow. But what is supposed to happen after the media was gone? Who would walk me to my car? Or peel me out of my room to go about the day? God, those things were all great but have you thought about ME in this situation? My state of mind? It was an hourly battle. Literally, I would be fine and then I wouldn't be. I felt crazy...
I have class with a pastor that works in the neighborhood I was robbed in and he was righteously angry about what happened to me. It was so therapeutic to see a black man show that kind of emotion about what happened. He asked me how I was recovering and I told him it was an hourly battle. He said a few words, but the ones that stood out, "...if God chooses to redeem this..." I interrupted him. What do you mean if God chooses to redeem this? He already is redeeming it! "Well listen, you have a choice. Because when something like this happened to my buddy he moved his family out to the 'burbs." That's when it really hit me. Coming from a true soldier - who answered the pointed finger that says I WANT YOU... (to live in the city and be an agent of change). I said so what do we do? Do we move? He passionately replied, "Hell No! I'm not! We just be aware and keep making a change."
Cruising off in my mini-van from that convo I coulda cried from the emotion that was before me. At this point, it isn't my housing at stake, it is my living and core purpose. IF ... he said IF. Wow, I never even thought I had a choice in this. The thought alone scares me. I felt empowered, afraid, and encouraged.
Couple weeks later of not having a solid quiet time and feeling so distant from the Lord I woke and went straight to my knees. There was nothing to say, nothing to pray. I just wept. I wept because I couldn't stop feeling sorry for myself. I couldn't snap out of it and I couldn't reach the Lord in my own strength. Congratulations, you have now been named my newest 'hard day'.
Days later, I felt so convicted from my aimless wandering that I felt the Lord rebuke me. I knew the anti-fear verses by heart!! But I was different... Now, I was an exception. See Lord, you gave me reason to fear by allowing this to happen to me! Adrienne, who do you think you are?? Do you deserve a refuge from evil? Is this something that you earned? No, Father it isn't. Then why are you acting like you are entitled to this safety I offer to your soul?
Broken.
I was broken. Since when did I lose sight of the grace you have shown me? Living in the shadows for the last month allowed me to appreciate the light in ways I had lost sight of.
Repent = To turn from. Why would I want to stay there?? I don't need that in my life, there is no room for it. I will gladly repent for these dark thoughts. Thanks for even wanting to take them from me! I have spent enough time entertaining these guests and they have definitely overstayed their welcome. So I packed self-pity's bag and put it on the street. Along with pride's, anger's, and self-reliances'. Security!! (ohh yes, I did) :) Somehow they ended up on the porch, knocking on my door, but I know the effects of their indwelling and they're not couch surfing 'round here anymore.
Thank you, (not you).
"Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High, will rest in the shadow of the Almighty". Ps. 91:1
Friday, October 26, 2012
The Shadows
I was robbed at gunpoint in August. I wrote this post about a week after the incident to the GUY but never posted it. However, I think I am ready to open up about this journey for anyone who cares to know. maybe there are some parallels with where you are / you've been.
Dude, how much did you pay for that stuff? I think it cost me some patience + hard work. Or some people call it 2,000 dollars. And you? Maybe some courage. Some steel. And a sharp eye. But I think it cost you more than that. Maybe, more than you realize.
Dude, how much did you pay for that stuff? I think it cost me some patience + hard work. Or some people call it 2,000 dollars. And you? Maybe some courage. Some steel. And a sharp eye. But I think it cost you more than that. Maybe, more than you realize.
See I never agreed to letting you steal my joy. I gave you my things, but I never agreed to anything more. I haven’t seen you for nearly a week, but it feels like you have been begging me daily to hand more things over to you. My freedom. My independence. My dreams. My peace of mind. I never said you could. And though you didn’t ask for them then, you have been asking me all week! I can’t take it anymore, which is why I am here to tell you loud and clear – you can’t have it.
What about you?
How much did it cost you? I can only guess, since we aren’t really tight like that. Have you lost your freedom? Your independence? Your confidence? Maybe not today, or even tomorrow. Maybe not this year, or the ones to follow. But if you really look in the mirror with honest eyes, I think you may see – what you gained is nothing compared to what you lost.
Pardon me, I may have spoke too soon. Did you even have those things to give? Who stole those things from you? Because no one I know hands those things over without a fight. Is it your addiction? Was it your Family? Anger? Bitterness? What is it? You gotta figure it out so you can get it back! I don’t want you to live without it anymore. Oh, and here is a common misconception I’ll attempt to free you from: stealing other people’s freedom, confidence, and independence doesn’t replace yours. You have to go back to where you lost it and do whatever it takes to get it back.
As for me, I can’t wait for you. I can’t wait for you to come around and see the light. I have to keep moving. I have to keep doing what I am doing whether I ever hear from you or not.
These last few days I started getting confused on what exactly I handed over to you Monday night. My freedom. My independence. My dreams. My peace of mind. – you can’t have it.
Above and Beyond
SoOOOooOO I have been getting ready for the fall season at Allen Hills and I am just really unsure of what the fall will look like. I guess you could say that I am back at the drawing board... It's our second season and really our first season that will be 9 weeks in a row instead of spread out through the whole semester.
1. Coaches Meeting went better than I could have ever expected. We spent 2+ hours catching up, talking about changes, devotions, behavior plans, etc. Moments during this meeting I found myself living a dream. God has provided 4 amazing men of God so engaged in the ministry they have as coaches.
2. Marketing- fliers to the leasing office, to every apartment in Allen Hills, elementary schools, at the city recreation center. Huge banner in the front of the community. And nice little blub on the news. Say What?? That's right! One of the parents of a new player of ours does a T.V. show at 4pm and without my knowing he advertised it! I had two parents call in regards to this blurb that were SO SO excited about the opportunity for their kids to play soccer.
3. Cost- now this is new. New to all. We have never charged anything for soccer before but I really feel the Lord was challenging me this season to have a buy-in for the parents. And so far there has been an amazing response from Allen Hills and others outside of the community as well!
4. Competitive Games- This season we will be competing against other teams 7 of the 9 game days.
5. AHSA Uniforms- We have custom game uniforms for our athletes. We also have practice t-shirt and shorts so we will be set-apart.
6. Power Bible- Each of our players will receive their own FCA Bible, which we will hold onto until we give it to them at the end of the season. The coaches will lead devotions at practice from an FCA Bible and each of the players will receive their own to follow along with! At the end of season these Bible's with each players name written on the pages will go home with them. :)
These are new distinctions of this fall season! I am so excited to see how the Lord changes these kids' hearts!
Jesus, have your way!
1. Coaches Meeting went better than I could have ever expected. We spent 2+ hours catching up, talking about changes, devotions, behavior plans, etc. Moments during this meeting I found myself living a dream. God has provided 4 amazing men of God so engaged in the ministry they have as coaches.
2. Marketing- fliers to the leasing office, to every apartment in Allen Hills, elementary schools, at the city recreation center. Huge banner in the front of the community. And nice little blub on the news. Say What?? That's right! One of the parents of a new player of ours does a T.V. show at 4pm and without my knowing he advertised it! I had two parents call in regards to this blurb that were SO SO excited about the opportunity for their kids to play soccer.
3. Cost- now this is new. New to all. We have never charged anything for soccer before but I really feel the Lord was challenging me this season to have a buy-in for the parents. And so far there has been an amazing response from Allen Hills and others outside of the community as well!
4. Competitive Games- This season we will be competing against other teams 7 of the 9 game days.
5. AHSA Uniforms- We have custom game uniforms for our athletes. We also have practice t-shirt and shorts so we will be set-apart.
6. Power Bible- Each of our players will receive their own FCA Bible, which we will hold onto until we give it to them at the end of the season. The coaches will lead devotions at practice from an FCA Bible and each of the players will receive their own to follow along with! At the end of season these Bible's with each players name written on the pages will go home with them. :)
These are new distinctions of this fall season! I am so excited to see how the Lord changes these kids' hearts!
Jesus, have your way!
Friday, October 12, 2012
What do I know of Poverty?
It has been a rough week. I have never been so frustrated in trying to help someone.
A parent of one of my kids from the soccer league reached out to me late last week about some financial struggles. She and her four children have been without electricity for 3 weeks due to an outstanding balance and the leasing office has given her 7 days to get it turned back on. How can I turn a deaf ear to this cry?
I love her son as one of my own. Therefore, she is family.
I began to pray and ask the Lord how he wanted me to respond to this need. Whether or not I needed to respond was never a question, is was the HOW?
I had a meeting with a donor early this week and let him know of the need. He also felt that he couldn't turn a deaf ear to the need of a struggling mother. Not sure of who he should write the check to, without thinking I told him to write it out FCA. For this reason, I did not hand it over to our administration assistant to process. I remember seeing it in my car Wednesday night.
After many hours on the phone with Georgia Power and the mother I realized this needed to be external of FCA and also needed to be done in cash. On Friday, I hesitantly called the donor back to let him know that I needed a different check written out to me. Immediately, he mumbled... No good deed goes unpunished. He told me the check had already been deposited and he saw it on his bank account this morning.
WHAT!?
Did I accidentally give it to our admin assistant to process?? I Musta. Geez, what will I do now? The donor asked me, So, what are you going to do now? Hmm, i'm not sure but I know i'll figure something out. Well, why don't you call to see if they will refund the donation and i'll write you a new check. Yes 'sir.
*1 hour later*
Ring...Ring...
Me: Hey! I solved the mystery.
What is it?
Well, the check you saw on your account was not for me, but another FCA staff.
Okay, well bring the check back and i'll give you another one for cash.
Alright, well I am having trouble finding the check 'sir but I will turn my car inside out to find it.
Really?? C'mon man. What happened to it?
I think Satan ate it, I have been looking for it for an hour now.
Well, come to my office once you find it.
I literally threw my cell phone on the seat next to me. On the verge of crying and yelling all in the same moment. I was so frustrated. Why was this donor being such a jerk (jerk?), and why couldn't I find the check I just laid eyes on what seemed like just moments before.
I start searching again outside my house. Which only lasted for so long as I can't really sit in an idle car without thinking someone will walk up behind me with a gun. I drove off in faith that I would find the check after arriving at this man's office. Nope. But I did find a toy army tank.
So, I walked into my donors office with this toy tank. Sir, this (toy army tank) is all I found in my car.
Not amused, he wrote me another check and told me to call him when I found the other check.
I gratefully took the check and went to the bank to get $600 cash to match the $490 the mom was meeting me with to pay the previous balance, current balance, deposit and fee to get it turned back on. On my way to Georgia Power pay center, my co-worker called to say she found the check in my office. PHEW! Don't remember putting it there, but who cares. What was lost is now found.
I wrote up a jank contract for her to sign saying she would volunteer 20 hours at the Atlanta Food Bank before December 1st. She willingly agreed to 'pay it forward'. (Great idea, mama!) She walked in moments later with her adorable 3 year old son.
We handed over the cash to the lady at the front desk. "Alright, ma'am your lights will be on this afternoon." Success! Amazing. Sigh of relief. Just barely made the cut.
I felt the nudge to take her to the food bank to show her where she will be volunteering and such. She followed me over there and we met the volunteer coordinator and received more information on the different opportunities. I realized how this volunteering could turn into a job opportunity for this mom! She also realized that and thanked me for everything as we walked to our cars.
As I was pulling away I noticed the toy army car in my passenger seat. I pulled back in and rushed over to her car with the toy in hand. I passed it through the backseat window to her son. "Here ya go little guy!" Then I scampered back to my car.
I called the donor and told him I found the check that needed to be voided and that I was encouraged by the whole situation. He was also encouraged and thanked me for making him a part of it.
I heard from the mom several hours later that the lights came on. I sent her our team verse from last season, "Jesus said, I am the light of the World. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of the world." Then I asked her if we could start a friendship since all this was now over. She was open to it and we set up a breakfast for next week to get together!
I felt like I totally took a risk. A chance. I am not sure what you would have done. Or what you think about what happened. You and I are in the same boat. I didn't know what to do. I questioned myself so much when I couldn't find the check anywhere and cried out to the Lord to give me a clear sign if I shouldn't do this. But I heard nothing. So I kept moving forward. The verse that kept coming to my was, "Do no withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act. Do not say to your neighbor, Come back later; i'll give it tomorrow when you now have it with you."
-Proverbs 3:27-28
The mom looked at me as we were leaving and said, "This wouldn't have happened if it weren't for you. Sorry, it was a lot for you to handle." I told her she didn't need to worry about it because we are family.
I once heard family doesn't always mean flesh and blood, but family are the people that help you when you need it the most. Do you have it in your power to act to help someone but you are waiting until tomorrow? You might be missing out on a blessing and an opportunity to join in on what the Lord is stirring up in our neighbors.
Humbled,
Adrienne
A parent of one of my kids from the soccer league reached out to me late last week about some financial struggles. She and her four children have been without electricity for 3 weeks due to an outstanding balance and the leasing office has given her 7 days to get it turned back on. How can I turn a deaf ear to this cry?
I love her son as one of my own. Therefore, she is family.
I began to pray and ask the Lord how he wanted me to respond to this need. Whether or not I needed to respond was never a question, is was the HOW?
I had a meeting with a donor early this week and let him know of the need. He also felt that he couldn't turn a deaf ear to the need of a struggling mother. Not sure of who he should write the check to, without thinking I told him to write it out FCA. For this reason, I did not hand it over to our administration assistant to process. I remember seeing it in my car Wednesday night.
After many hours on the phone with Georgia Power and the mother I realized this needed to be external of FCA and also needed to be done in cash. On Friday, I hesitantly called the donor back to let him know that I needed a different check written out to me. Immediately, he mumbled... No good deed goes unpunished. He told me the check had already been deposited and he saw it on his bank account this morning.
WHAT!?
Did I accidentally give it to our admin assistant to process?? I Musta. Geez, what will I do now? The donor asked me, So, what are you going to do now? Hmm, i'm not sure but I know i'll figure something out. Well, why don't you call to see if they will refund the donation and i'll write you a new check. Yes 'sir.
*1 hour later*
Ring...Ring...
Me: Hey! I solved the mystery.
What is it?
Well, the check you saw on your account was not for me, but another FCA staff.
Okay, well bring the check back and i'll give you another one for cash.
Alright, well I am having trouble finding the check 'sir but I will turn my car inside out to find it.
Really?? C'mon man. What happened to it?
I think Satan ate it, I have been looking for it for an hour now.
Well, come to my office once you find it.
I literally threw my cell phone on the seat next to me. On the verge of crying and yelling all in the same moment. I was so frustrated. Why was this donor being such a jerk (jerk?), and why couldn't I find the check I just laid eyes on what seemed like just moments before.
I start searching again outside my house. Which only lasted for so long as I can't really sit in an idle car without thinking someone will walk up behind me with a gun. I drove off in faith that I would find the check after arriving at this man's office. Nope. But I did find a toy army tank.
So, I walked into my donors office with this toy tank. Sir, this (toy army tank) is all I found in my car.
Not amused, he wrote me another check and told me to call him when I found the other check.
I gratefully took the check and went to the bank to get $600 cash to match the $490 the mom was meeting me with to pay the previous balance, current balance, deposit and fee to get it turned back on. On my way to Georgia Power pay center, my co-worker called to say she found the check in my office. PHEW! Don't remember putting it there, but who cares. What was lost is now found.
I wrote up a jank contract for her to sign saying she would volunteer 20 hours at the Atlanta Food Bank before December 1st. She willingly agreed to 'pay it forward'. (Great idea, mama!) She walked in moments later with her adorable 3 year old son.
We handed over the cash to the lady at the front desk. "Alright, ma'am your lights will be on this afternoon." Success! Amazing. Sigh of relief. Just barely made the cut.
I felt the nudge to take her to the food bank to show her where she will be volunteering and such. She followed me over there and we met the volunteer coordinator and received more information on the different opportunities. I realized how this volunteering could turn into a job opportunity for this mom! She also realized that and thanked me for everything as we walked to our cars.
As I was pulling away I noticed the toy army car in my passenger seat. I pulled back in and rushed over to her car with the toy in hand. I passed it through the backseat window to her son. "Here ya go little guy!" Then I scampered back to my car.
I called the donor and told him I found the check that needed to be voided and that I was encouraged by the whole situation. He was also encouraged and thanked me for making him a part of it.
I heard from the mom several hours later that the lights came on. I sent her our team verse from last season, "Jesus said, I am the light of the World. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of the world." Then I asked her if we could start a friendship since all this was now over. She was open to it and we set up a breakfast for next week to get together!
I felt like I totally took a risk. A chance. I am not sure what you would have done. Or what you think about what happened. You and I are in the same boat. I didn't know what to do. I questioned myself so much when I couldn't find the check anywhere and cried out to the Lord to give me a clear sign if I shouldn't do this. But I heard nothing. So I kept moving forward. The verse that kept coming to my was, "Do no withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act. Do not say to your neighbor, Come back later; i'll give it tomorrow when you now have it with you."
-Proverbs 3:27-28
The mom looked at me as we were leaving and said, "This wouldn't have happened if it weren't for you. Sorry, it was a lot for you to handle." I told her she didn't need to worry about it because we are family.
I once heard family doesn't always mean flesh and blood, but family are the people that help you when you need it the most. Do you have it in your power to act to help someone but you are waiting until tomorrow? You might be missing out on a blessing and an opportunity to join in on what the Lord is stirring up in our neighbors.
Humbled,
Adrienne
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