As much as I would like to sit here and type about how victorious I was in Christ after I was robbed a couple months ago that would be a lie - I saw some hard days. For nearly a month, I was squandering in my own thoughts and fears of what coulda been and what could be. Somedays, I couldn't sleep in my own bed, be at home alone, I wouldn't run outside or drive in the city at night. I was constantly looking over my shoulder or reading into small noises from the next room. The normal things in life became a challenge for me to do. And yet no one seemed to understand.
It ended up being a God-glorifying situation with the media picking up the story and giving me a platform to share what I do and who I follow. But what is supposed to happen after the media was gone? Who would walk me to my car? Or peel me out of my room to go about the day? God, those things were all great but have you thought about ME in this situation? My state of mind? It was an hourly battle. Literally, I would be fine and then I wouldn't be. I felt crazy...
I have class with a pastor that works in the neighborhood I was robbed in and he was righteously angry about what happened to me. It was so therapeutic to see a black man show that kind of emotion about what happened. He asked me how I was recovering and I told him it was an hourly battle. He said a few words, but the ones that stood out, "...if God chooses to redeem this..." I interrupted him. What do you mean if God chooses to redeem this? He already is redeeming it! "Well listen, you have a choice. Because when something like this happened to my buddy he moved his family out to the 'burbs." That's when it really hit me. Coming from a true soldier - who answered the pointed finger that says I WANT YOU... (to live in the city and be an agent of change). I said so what do we do? Do we move? He passionately replied, "Hell No! I'm not! We just be aware and keep making a change."
Cruising off in my mini-van from that convo I coulda cried from the emotion that was before me. At this point, it isn't my housing at stake, it is my living and core purpose. IF ... he said IF. Wow, I never even thought I had a choice in this. The thought alone scares me. I felt empowered, afraid, and encouraged.
Couple weeks later of not having a solid quiet time and feeling so distant from the Lord I woke and went straight to my knees. There was nothing to say, nothing to pray. I just wept. I wept because I couldn't stop feeling sorry for myself. I couldn't snap out of it and I couldn't reach the Lord in my own strength. Congratulations, you have now been named my newest 'hard day'.
Days later, I felt so convicted from my aimless wandering that I felt the Lord rebuke me. I knew the anti-fear verses by heart!! But I was different... Now, I was an exception. See Lord, you gave me reason to fear by allowing this to happen to me! Adrienne, who do you think you are?? Do you deserve a refuge from evil? Is this something that you earned? No, Father it isn't. Then why are you acting like you are entitled to this safety I offer to your soul?
Broken.
I was broken. Since when did I lose sight of the grace you have shown me? Living in the shadows for the last month allowed me to appreciate the light in ways I had lost sight of.
Repent = To turn from. Why would I want to stay there?? I don't need that in my life, there is no room for it. I will gladly repent for these dark thoughts. Thanks for even wanting to take them from me! I have spent enough time entertaining these guests and they have definitely overstayed their welcome. So I packed self-pity's bag and put it on the street. Along with pride's, anger's, and self-reliances'. Security!! (ohh yes, I did) :) Somehow they ended up on the porch, knocking on my door, but I know the effects of their indwelling and they're not couch surfing 'round here anymore.
Thank you, (not you).
"Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High, will rest in the shadow of the Almighty". Ps. 91:1
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